Our Quest for More JOY

2012-01-26T10:58:00.001-06:00

Plenty of people miss their share of happiness, not because they never found it, but because they didn't stop to enjoy it.
-William Feather

Lucky Ball Boy

2012-01-26T08:06:00.000-06:00

I have wonderful friends. They truly are amazing. They look out for the boys and I and help keep us busy on Wednesday nights when I have the kids and they are supposed to be elsewhere. They have come up with some great activities so the thought of "Where's Dad?" doesn't even come up. Last night we did something really fun. Hyrum had the opportunity to help my friend who is a athletic trainer be a ball boy at the soccer game. At first he was nervous with the thought of going out by the players and running around, but he lives for soccer and watching him out there he was in his element. He was running up and down the sidelines chasing after out of bounds balls and pretending to kick. It was heaven for him for the night. During half time he loved being able to run out on the field and gave the crown a little half time show slipping and sliding around. He ran the entire field and up into the bleachers. The grin on his face will be forever ingrained in my mind. He is hoping to be able to do it again soon!

*None of the pictures are that great, my camera is lost in the house somewhere I have yet to find but I felt this post deserved the pictures even though they are not the clearest.*

Hey Mom!

If you look straight up the fence post to the other side of the field, Hyrum is standing there.

Half time enjoying the 50 yard line.

When the game was over Kaden and Quinten were allowed to run out on the field too. As the game was winding down, Kaden kept asking how many minutes until I get a turn out there. When he finally got a turn he was tired and wanted to be held most of the time. Quinten however who had been almost asleep perked right up and was out there with Hyrum working on football tackles. I love the special relationship that my kids have together. Kaden has learned the term "best friend" this week and he says that Hyrum and Tin Tin are his best friends forever and ever!

Thanks Kim for the fun night, Heather and I enjoyed a good soccer game too!

Funny boy

2012-01-26T07:44:00.000-06:00

Qubes loves hats, he loves tractors, he loves cycles (motorcycles).... He is definitely all boy! Last night thanks to his big brothers he learned and perfected the art of giving wedgies. Even though I should have stopped the behavior right away, I couldn't help but laugh while listening to him scream with delight as he would chase down Hi-mom and K-Dun giggling all the while and grab onto their undies and crying out weggieeeee! He is only barely 2 but there is never a dull moment when he is awake.

**I haven't forgotten about the birthday post, I still have every intention of writing it. The camera has gone missing somewhere in my house. I wish it had the finding feature with an alarm in it the way my phone and the kids ipods do, that would make it so much easier to find most days.

2012-01-24T23:25:00.004-06:00

I know this is my blog and it is hard to have a discussion on here but I was just wondering what other people thought the difference between a lie and a half truth are? The person claiming they were telling half truths refused to "fill in the details" though. I heard this a lot tonight as I was sitting waiting to see a doctor tonight.

To me they are the same thing but maybe someone else has some good insight I haven't thought of. I'm sick of the lies and trail of deceit.

Also I'm grateful though I have made some mistakes posting some unkind things on my blog, though not lies, that I have erased them a short time later. Turns out Hyrum enjoys reading my blog and checking out different Facebook profiles. I'm glad I don't have to answer to him as to why people are making the choices that they are and posting unhappy thoughts about his parents splitting up. It's been neat to see him excited about the funny things he does that I notice and post. He says I never knew you were watching me then mom. Maybe you do really know everything! I wonder how old he will be until he realizes I just have good reasoning skills.

COURAGE

2012-01-23T14:18:00.000-06:00

Life has thrown my boys and I more than a few curve balls these last few months. I can often be heard joking, what's next? Some of the things that have happened my good friend says, you just can't make these things up! The small moments that I have allowed myself to be weighted down by life's burdens have been few and far between. Instead I have chosen to try to push through this with courage. I have been given wonderful advice that has often come to mind when things get hectic. "Remember it all works out in the end. If it isn't working out then obviously it isn't the end."

As odd as it sounds, I am thankful for these trials in my life. I believe that before I came to my life on this Earth that I was shown the trials and blessings that would be faced before me and yet I still had the courage to come here. I don't remember everything I was shown because a vale was placed before my eyes, but I know that if I am courageous and keep trying that I will be blessed.

This year my word to focus on is Courage. I want to help my kids be courageous in the process of life and not be afraid to keep living and trying new things. I want us to still travel and explore the world and meet new people. Sometimes we may not always like where our well laid plans lead us, but I want to teach them courage to move on to plan B or plan C. President Boyd K. Packer said "You must learn to walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness; then the light will appear and show the way before you."

Last year my word was patience. Let's just say I will not be praying for more opportunities to learn patience for a long long time after these last few months. :) To have patience, yes, but not for trials to learn more patience.

Please

2012-01-23T13:44:00.001-06:00

I just want to say if people dislike me so much please stop reading my blog. There is no need for you to waste your time reading about my kids and my life if you are glad to have this divorce going on. Why waste your time? I am sure Netflix has got to be more appealing that my life. Thanks, that is all.

Hyrum Lip Sync

2012-01-23T00:59:00.001-06:00

Hyrum enjoys music, he wants to be in charge of what radio stations we listen to and the volume level. On the rare occasion that he is lucky enough to make all his radio selections and has my phone or his ipod he enjoys making videos of himself lip syncing. This might be boring to many of you, be forewarned. I just want to remember this stage in life. He cracks me up with his facial expressions and when he checks himself out in the camera. The actual video was over 15 minutes long he just goes from song to song and tried to lip what the radio station djs say as well.

Quinten's surgery

2012-01-23T00:41:00.000-06:00

Quinten in pre op coloring in his new coloring book.

Quinten has been sick since Halloween, or maybe it was before Halloween that's the furthest back date I can really remember the constant ear infections and infected throat in this never ending battle of antibiotics. I had taken him in to the pediatrician a few weeks before and while there she recommended I get him an appointment with the ENT. Little did I know that we would be in her office 2 more times that week getting him shots because the antibiotics were not working and his ear drums were bulging. So I got him into the ENT pretty quick compared to the crazy wait from when Kaden was dealing with the same problems a few years ago. Even though they got him in quick the surgery schedule was booked up for the month. They told me to go ahead and get all the necessary blood work done because sometimes there is a cancellation and that way he would be ready if an opening arose. Little did I know I would receive a phone call from them 5 days later letting me know about an opening the next day.

So last Wednesday, the 18th, I woke up super early and we headed to the surgery center with George - stuffed animal, towel - his blanket, and his baby - the pacifier he found a week before and I let him keep because he was in so much pain and it seemed to console him. In pre op his managed to bite a hole in his baby right as they were getting ready to take him back, it ended up being the perfect solution to getting rid of the non needed attachment once again. Surgery to put tubes in his ears and remove his adenoids was a success however when he woke up and they took out his breathing tube there was a problem. His runny nose drained down into his lungs during the surgery. When I got back to see him he has already had a breathing treatment, and steroids into his IV. They were concerned because his oxygen level was not going up on it's own. He looked ashy and lifeless. I knew from having 2 kids have this surgery before it wasn't normal for him to be acting the way he was and for the recovery nurse to keep listening to him and stand over me that things were not going as planned. After another dose of steroids,more sleep, lots of prayers and more medical care however, he was finally able to get his oxygen stats up on his own with the room temperature (thank goodness! I was worried when they started talking about admitting him to the hospital).

First popsicle after waking up.

So it was a crazy day and when he got home that same day he felt well enough to ride his trike. It is amazing how resilient little kids are. He did really well the first night and slept all night long but has since taken up thinking the middle of the night is awake time and play time but really I think that laying down just makes the drainage from his nose bother the healing adenoids. At least this is over and done with now though and we can move on to taking care of the rest and getting him to feeling tip top shape so he will sleep through the night again!

All better and on our way home!

2012-01-20T09:02:00.001-06:00

The kids all need a little extra help each in their own way. If you would please say a little prayer for them and for me to have extra patience through these struggles it would be much appreciated. Thanks!

Monster Jam 2012

2012-01-17T22:02:00.000-06:00

My boys have been working on their jobs around the house and keeping their rooms cleaned up more often. They have been trying to hit each other less and use their words instead of kicking and purposely hurting one another. This last weekend I surprised them with tickets to Monster Jam 2012 as a reward for good improvement. I have been trying to implement the 1-2-3 Magic in their lives to help them choose to be better kids on their own. Over the last few weeks they have been getting better and better as they know what to expect from me and know my expectations from them. I am thankful for the counselor who introduced me to it.

Glued on the trucks with Hyrum ending laughing from the seats rumbling.

TinTin and Heather watching the trucks. I think Quinten loved it the most. By the end of the show Kaden was so tired from not taking a nap that he was falling asleep in my lap. We ended up leaving early even though they were having fun because they were all so tired.

Glasses for Kade Man

2012-01-17T21:47:00.001-06:00

Today I took the boys to the eye doctor. It turns out that Kaden's eyes are bad, I had no clue. He hasn't complained once other then the occasional eye rubbing which I thought was just because he was tired. He looks so sophisticated with them on. Getting him used to always having glasses on his face even though he enjoys actually being able to see is going to be a challenge. I am going to have to get him used to washing his hands before he smudges them all up.

Here he is picking them up from the store noticing all the letters on the signs.

Tonight after bed I asked him to smile like he loves his Aunt Heidi and this is what he did. He said I love Aunt Heidi like I love my boogers! This picture just shows his personality right now. I am glad to figure out this next puzzle piece in his life to help him be able to succeed more in life.

Today in school was a major milestone. Kaden decided to stand up with kids in his class and participate in the big group activity. It is so fun to watch him push his own limits as he becomes more and more aware of himself and the fun that can come from not being quite so shy.

**UPDATE on the 21st, 4 days after getting his glasses he already has managed to snap off an ear piece, scratch both lenses, and bend the heck out of the frame. I took him to get his glasses fixed and the frames are bent again. I think we will be returning them looking for a different style of glasses even though they do look super cute on him. **

Hiking in Sunset Valley

2012-01-17T21:36:00.000-06:00

We went up to Austin on Monday to spend some time with the cousins. Down the street from my brother's house is a trail where we went for a hike. The river is dried up because of the drought. Of course the boys were in heaven!

Inside the cave.

Sunset

Aunt Heather & Quinten

Taking a rest while the big boys climb inside the cave.

This picture is washed out, but I love how Hyrum and Noah get along. They were creating ancient languages and trying to write them on the walls. It is fun having my brother live nearby and getting my boys out into nature which they love. Quinten enjoyed walking and exploring just as much if not as the bigger ones.

I am getting through

2012-01-15T20:42:00.000-06:00

Tonight as I was getting the boys ready for bed, a mess was made and Hyrum jumped to my rescue. He said, "Hey Mom I will help you, it makes me feel good!" Hooray for important life lessons getting through to my kids. I know that because of his age he will not always admit to things like this, but the times that the kids let me know that I am not a broken record make it worth it.

2012-01-09T00:07:00.000-06:00

No matter what you've done for yourself or for humanity, if you can't look back on having given love and attention to your own family, what have you really accomplished?

Elbert Hubbard

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

2012-01-08T23:52:00.000-06:00

This has been a perfect weekend.

We grilled hamburgers and the thrill of Hyrum knowing that I know how to use the grill was the best. He thought he was never going to get another hamburger with ketchup only at home again. The wink of his eye during dinner let me know it.

One night after the kids were in bed I was able to sneak out thanks to my sister Heather and go to dinner with a friend who had come into town for her Grandpa's funeral and visit with a bunch of people

The kids had a primary meet the teacher activity. Watching Kaden go from unsure to sitting by himself with his class was a moment in itself. He is such a different kid then he was a year ago. And having watched all the days when I prayed and wondered if everything was ok inside of him because he didn't want to speak, or he didn't want to play with other kids, or go try new things. It is amazing how well he does speak and to hear his word choices and see the way he processes things differently that my other boys, but there is nothing wrong with him at all. He is just that, different, fun and unique.

We were able to go swimming and eat a fun dinner downtown with Possible Uncle Stu. Hyrum inviting Stu to his baptism, Kaden and Quinten's fascination with the river boats and Kaden licking Stu's arm with ice cream and Stu wiping it off over and over again until he realized that if he would leave it there that Kaden would stop doing it but he would glance over and check his arm to make sure the ice cream kiss mark was still there. Watching them all 3 stand side by side and riding up and down the escalators over and over again for a good 15 minutes.

We were able to go visit with a friend out on her property and enjoy the outdoors and the broken tractor, bikes, boats, goats, ponies, chickens. And the peace of being away from the road and just watching my boys run free. Hammock-ing with Hyrum and sharing with him the details of my own baptism and planning his and the reasoning behind why he picked who he did and didn't to give talks. He cracks me up. Watching him be teased by a girl with an almost empty bag of marshmallows. He is my oldest, and a great helper and very observant and knows right from wrong.

One evening a friend and her husband took the older boys to the park so I could take a nap. Nine days of only a few hours of very interrupted sleep wears on a person who is recovering from being sick herself. It's amazing how a few hours of sleep even in the day time can give me a boost and help me make it through the day.

I was able to talk to my brother for awhile. It is neat to see him in the stage of life that he is in and be friends. I also really enjoyed church and hearing others testimonies and being able to share my own.

Having Kaden say one of my all time favorite funniest things he has ever said it goes a little something like this

Kaden: Hey mom guess what? Me: what? Kaden (as he covers his privates with his hands right before getting into the bath): my peepee is broken off and now I look just like you and can pee out my tush!

I been dealing with a wild and crazy Quinten who has learned how to open doors. The kid is a bundle of energy and afraid of basically nothing. He run and plays, giggles, falls over gets hurt, cries and then gets back up and does something even wilder all over again.

I also this weekend received a text from a friend on the west coast that I was unsure if I would ever get to talk to her again. We lost contact for awhile and hearing from her brightened my day. She is the kind of friend where even when you don't talk to for awhile you can pick right back up where you left off. Someone who loves my kids and knows the right words to say.

We were able to see fire engines up close and personal when one night we were driving home and the firefighters put out a brush fire behind a neighbor 4 houses away.

It is obvious that I have not gotten much sleep lately, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. If I wanted nights full of solid sleep then I wouldn't get to be a mother. I wouldn't get to experience the joys and sorrows with my kids. The tantrums, the screaming, the frustration with being forgotten about that they get so mad they kick and scream scream, the double ear infections from hell that refuse to go away, the coughing so hard they wake themselves up at night, the trips to the pediatricians office for more shots in the legs! Oh and don't forget the scratchy voices with frogs in our throats. There has been a lot of that mixed in this weekend too and that really is what has made it all the more perfect. Life is real, we have been blessed to be able to feelings and emotions and have free agency.

I really do love my life. I would not trade it for anyone else's in the world! Not even now with all I am going through. Happiness comes in the small things, being able to watch my kids and listen to them. Being able to teach them correct principles and values and to be able to help them realize that it's not what happens to us but how we react and respond to what has been done. Even with all of the uncertainties and the unknowns.

To finish out the weekend, our home teachers came by and shared this message with us that I want to include, it goes along with what my thoughts have been all weekend. I love the entire message but I would have to say that my most favorite sentence of the entire thing is, "Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, “I’ll try again tomorrow.”"

Living the Abundant Life

By President Thomas S. Monson

At the advent of a new year, I challenge Latter-day Saints everywhere to undertake a personal, diligent, significant quest for what I call the abundant life—a life filled with an abundance of success, goodness, and blessings. Just as we learned the ABCs in school, I offer my own ABCs to help us all gain the abundant life.

Have a Positive Attitude

A in my ABCs refers to attitude. William James, a pioneering American psychologist and philosopher, wrote, “The greatest revolution of our generation is the discovery that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.”¹

So much in life depends on our attitude. The way we choose to see things and respond to others makes all the difference. To do the best we can and then to choose to be happy about our circumstances, whatever they may be, can bring peace and contentment.

Charles Swindoll—author, educator, and Christian pastor—said: “Attitude, to me, is more important than … the past, … than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company, a church, a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.”²

We can’t direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails. For maximum happiness, peace, and contentment, may we choose a positive attitude.

Believe in Yourself

B is for believe—in yourself, in those around you, and in eternal principles.

Be honest with yourself, with others, and with your Heavenly Father. One who was not honest with God until it was too late was Cardinal Wolsey who, according to Shakespeare, spent a long life in service to three sovereigns and enjoyed wealth and power. Finally, he was shorn of his power and possessions by an impatient king. Cardinal Wolsey cried:

Had I but served my God with half the zeal
I served my king, He would not in mine age
Have left me naked to mine enemies.3 

Thomas Fuller, an English churchman and historian who lived in the 17th century, penned this truth: “He does not believe that does not live according to his belief.”⁴

Don’t limit yourself and don’t let others convince you that you are limited in what you can do. Believe in yourself and then live so as to reach your possibilities.

You can achieve what you believe you can. Trust and believe and have faith.

Face Challenges with Courage

C is for courage. Courage becomes a worthwhile and meaningful virtue when it is regarded not so much as a willingness to die manfully but as a determination to live decently.

Said the American essayist and poet Ralph Waldo Emerson: “Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide on, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them.”⁵

There will be times when you will be frightened and discouraged. You may feel that you are defeated. The odds of obtaining victory may appear overwhelming. At times you may feel like David trying to fight Goliath. But remember—David did win!

Courage is required to make an initial thrust toward one’s coveted goal, but even greater courage is called for when one stumbles and must make a second effort to achieve.

Have the determination to make the effort, the single-mindedness to work toward a worthy goal, and the courage not only to face the challenges that inevitably come but also to make a second effort, should such be required. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, “I’ll try again tomorrow.”

May we remember these ABCs as we begin our journey into the new year, cultivating a positive attitude, a belief that we can achieve our goals and resolutions, and the courage to face whatever challenges may come our way. Then the abundant life will be ours.

Ice cold Lemonade

2012-01-05T20:49:00.001-06:00

This week has been large trash pick up in or neighborhood. People are throwing away everything. People could seriously furnish their house from my neighborhood including a piano! Well Monday after school I took Hyrum & Alec around in my van to see what others hadn't already picked up. We found a treasure. Well to these people it was worthless junk but to us it was fabulous. It just needed a fresh coat of paint. We loaded it up into the back of my van and went the 2 blocks home and unloaded it into the front yard and the boys immediately got to work painting it with some leftover paint from my garage. They turned the old rolling computer cart into a lemonade and Popsicle stand. The old back was their new front with the lemonade sign and where the old cpu tower and printer should have sat they store their cash and lemonade supplies. I had found a small picnic umbrella on clearance at the end of last summer to use for this very purpose. We cup hooked it to the side, well actually we traded with the construction worker next door since our drill was down, but the idea was there. Their first day of business they made over $15 in the first hour without any advertisement on facebook! They are excited to make the money and I am grateful that clean up was a breeze, they just had to roll it back up into the garage ready for the next time they are feeling like they need something to do.

sorry for the crummy picture, it's from my iphone

2012-01-03T00:42:00.001-06:00

Quinten has not let me out of his sight since being back with him. It doesn't help that Hyrum gave him his cold. Last night I was up ALL night trying to help him get comfortable enough to sleep. Even dragging him down didn't help until finally around 8:45 am he crashed out. He tool 5-10 min cat naps occasionally through the night. He just was so conjested he couldn't breathe. Tonight he was ready for bed at 6:30. Well it is now 12:37 at night and he woke me up with my phone in my face saying I uhnt moo-ie. Atch Do-wah. (I want a movie. Watch Dora) Apparently Kaden has taught Quinten the magic of watching Netflix on iPhones. Also I know we have 12 months to go but if you ask Quinten what he wants Santa to bring him next year he says I uhnt iPone. Funny kid.

Popsicles

2012-01-02T22:29:00.000-06:00

This boy LOVES popsicles. If I would let him, or sometimes even when I don't, he wants to eat popsicles ALL day long. I started a new rule that they get their popsicles in the bath. It was early in the afternoon one day and Kaden brought me in the popsicles and said, "I think I need a bath now!"

Another funny thing Kaden said on New Years Eve as I was putting him to bed. Mom, why do all those fire crackers keep going poop poop pooping? I said you mean popping? He said no it sounds like when I am in the bathroom poop poop pooping!

Visiting Santa

2012-01-02T22:20:00.000-06:00

I was able to spend the day with the kids the Friday before Christmas. First stop going to see Santa. Hyrum doesn't look too thrilled he would rather be shooting the cross bows and playing checkers. I am thinking this is the last year he will believe in Santa for real but am hoping that he never stops believing in the magic of Christmas and the excitement that believing in Santa gives! We spent the rest of the day playing with cousins at the park, letting Quinten take a nap, and then looking at Christmas lights. There is a house a few streets away from my mom that is decked out in lights. Their lights dance to Christmas music on a radio station. There are lights on the grass, the roof, the driveway. It is crazy, usually there is a line of vehicles waiting to stop in front of the house to watch. I can't wait to see what they add for next year.

New Family Pictures

2012-01-02T22:10:00.000-06:00

A friend from growing up offered to take some new family pictures for the boys and I. It was a cold morning at the park right after Christmas. Getting everyone to look in the same direction was a challenge and the boys were crazy boys but I am thankful that we will no longer have empty walls at our house and can now have some new prints of our new family. Quinten wanted nothing to do with anyone besides me, the separation anxiety has gotten worse. I am hoping in light of reading the custody laws for the state though that he will start getting better though and he too can adjust to all the changes in his life.

Teach them by Example

2011-12-26T23:20:00.001-06:00

This year Christmas time has been crazy. I did not know what to expect, so had no real expectations, other than to enjoy my kids any chance that I got. Part of the standard custody arrangement in Texas is that the time is split. Like I said in my last post, Kyle had the boys the first week. I will not comment on that week because I am currently ordered by a court to not comment on the status of Kyle & I's relationship on social media - this blog being included in that. But I do want to share with you an important lesson on giving, the importance of putting children's needs before my own, and to ask for some advice.

Let me begin by saying, I LOVE CHRISTMAS! I love the surprise, the paper, the ribbons, the lights, the decorations, the spirit of giving and most importantly serving! With all the craziness going on the last thing on my mind is on taking my boys Christmas shopping for their Dad. But you know what, I did it and it didn't kill me and they had fun wandering through Dillard's hiding in the racks of shirts and giggling with one another. Hyrum helped them pick out some pretty great shirts and a pair of shoes. They enjoyed being out spending time thinking about what their Dad wanted when they were not with him. We went home and wrapped everything up so on one of their visits (or as Kaden calls them - camping trips) they brought their gifts over. They were super excited! That made the (to me) dreadful trip worth it!

Now fast forward to a week before Christmas and my boys - mainly Hyrum asking me what I want and to have me make a list. So I obliged even though Christmas lists are not my forte. I really struggle with coming up with a list, but the last few years I have done it. Hyrum packed the list up in his bag with his book and was with Kyle for the week. I didn't ask him about his gift to me on Friday other than was he allowed to go to the store and pick something out. He quietly responded yes. I thought he was just trying to keep it a secret and I love the surprise of opening up presents so left it alone.

Fast forward to Christmas. The best gift I received was my kids being dropped off an hour early! After being gone from them for so long and only the brief phone call a day while they were distracted by video games and movies, I missed my kids. It was the best present I needed but didn't even know it would be the best gift until later! We opened up gifts with my family, who patiently waited - even my brothers 3 kids - for Hyrum, Kaden, & Quinten to arrive. It was fun watching my kids around the room get excited and hold things up and ooh and aah about what everyone gave them. This year they were definitely spoiled. Luckily Kaden got the long asked for "iphone 4s" really an ipod touch and Hyrum the same. Quinten got his new bike that was not handed down and doesn't have a wobbly front wheel. He didn't want to get off the bike to open the rest of the presents. He was content for the afternoon with that. The other kids helped Tin Tin open up his gifts and would show them to him.

So after watching my kids, I opened up my gifts with Hyrum watching me. He wanted to make sure I saw my gift from each of them. Before I opened them he apologized to me about not being able to get me anything I wanted but wanted to make sure I knew I love him. He said he was sorry he hadn't thought to bring his own money to buy me the book he knew I really wanted. He said that he was only allowed to shop at the dollar store that sells junk that breaks when you play with it - he said he knew because he had received a gun that morning that broke after just a few shots. He had peeked my interest, what really was going to be inside the gift bag. So I quickly thought in my mind that I would be excited no matter what and opened the bag. Inside was Dollar store pink fluffy socks and hand soap. Inside the other boys gift bags were thin white socks and a revolving picture frame that was already broken inside. I hugged him huge and asked him how did he know we would need more soap to be able to wash our hands so we wouldn't get sick. He ran to put it in the bathroom.

Later on that day I joked with my sisters I guessed that if it was about dollar amounts that I had taken care of the next 30 years for my kids and don't need to give anything else. But then I thought about it in my head, my boys do need to give, and to give gifts that they feel they don't need to apologize for in advance. As much as I don't want to do it and I don't want to spend what little money I have on someone whom I don't love anymore, it is my responsibility to teach them to think about others wants and needs.

This evening we went to the store and I let Hyrum pick out the book he wanted to get me. He saw that I got a new phone case and was excited for me to get that off my list as well. Tonight when he went to bed he let me know that he was happy that I got a few things off my Christmas wish list as well. He said that was the best part of his day.

And so my question for you my divorced or friends of divorced people is this, do I have someone besides their Dad take them shopping for me and send the list that way? How do you do gift giving for birthdays too? I am turning 30 on February 18th and I really don't need anything, but at the same time it is nice to receive something which has a little bit of thought put into it and is not just something that will be thrown out at the end of the day or that breaks in the first few times of being used.

I know that it is the right thing to take my kids to a normal store and buy something that will last. Even if the lesson of putting the kids needing to learn to give before my own feelings, I will do it. They need to learn the importance of thinking of others. I am not complaining about what I was given, really the best gift I could have been given was free and the time. I just don't want to have unreal expectations and am trying to figure this out before the next event coming up. Help?!?

2011-12-22T01:05:00.000-06:00

I am so thankful for the many people who have reached out to me this week while I don't have my kids. It's amazing the little projects I have been able to get done and new experiences I've had. As much as I love my kids and wish to be with them I have learned a lot about myself and who I am and what I stand for. It's weird going to stores and not chasing down a kid or two in the toy aisles or having to take unneeded treats from my basket. But I am enduring just as my kids are and am super excited for 2pm Sunday to roll around and have a week of uninterrupted crazy boy time. We are going to get new family pictures taken, try some new activities together, and hopefully find a pool to go swimming. Life isn't about the things it's about how we choose to spend our time. And I am definitely not going to spend it in front of electronics all the time and keep making memories with my boys. It's neat watching them try new things and getting nervous and excited watching each other. Quinten turned 2 on the 18th. His birthday deserves a post all of its own. Tomorrow my friends, tomorrow.

2011-12-10T10:50:00.000-06:00

It is amazing to me how many people are worried about their "good name" when other people state what they are doing, yet they are not worried about their actions ruining their own good name. I'm just saying!

2011-12-05T22:17:00.000-06:00

Today has been an emotional, adrenaline filled day. This morning around 2am my older sister Heather totaled her car near Sonora Texas. She was driving here to move in with me and help me with the boys. Between all of our appointments I need someone steady for the next few weeks to help me make sure everyone gets where they need to when they need to. So along with going to counseling and court this week we now get to add car shopping to the mix. I am just glad that she didn't get hurt more than a few bruises!

Tonight once getting back home safe and getting everyone to bed I had a major task I needed to complete. I am in the process of going through everything in the house and making sure that when we have to move out of the house that we have gotten rid of everything that we don't need or is Kyle's-getting it to him. The job this week was to go through all the boys baby clothes. I can now say after 3 hours that I am done. I have pulled out the ones that are memorable to me and dividing up the rest for friends with littler boys who will wear them and enjoy them. This is emotionally hard for me because I had a miscarriage on October 15th. After trying for 9 months the excitement and planning for a new baby to join our family amidst all the craziness going on between Kyle & I really wears on me. How did I not see this all happening? I feel like so stupid looking back. But, I guess this kid just needed to be here for a short time enough to gain a body no matter how small he/she was. These clothes would have been passed on if it was a brother but I will have to wait until I die to find out. Instead I am grateful for friends who have active little boys who will enjoy them and I will still get to smile as I recognize the familiar outfits. Clothes and material possessions don't bring happiness, happiness comes from within and living and keeping the commandments. It will bring a little smile to my face as I get to remember the good times when I see them. In every bad situation comes something good, I know it!

**If I get married and have kids again, I can start over with the clothes, they really are just things!**

Pictures

2011-12-04T22:32:00.000-06:00

Quinten has thought that this glove is his dad for the last month. This weekend he gave it up and hid the glove, we have yet to find it and he has taken to a hot wheels motorcycle.

My kids love painting or coloring on themselves. They also love being naked, or pretty close to it.

Kaden is getting into building tall towers with legos. He wants to put them on his dresser when he is done building them and checks on them every day. He is learning colors and matching in school and is also quite a perfectionist which is pretty interesting to learn about him.

Grateful

2011-12-04T22:03:00.001-06:00

Today I am grateful for the unexpected extra time with my boys. I love the way they are each others best friends. Happily playing one moment then driving each other up the wall until one accidentally gets hurt then how they swoop in and try to make everything all better again.

I love how Quinten, now sleeping in a big boy bed, taps the extra pillow in his bed and says "Mom sw-eep!" Then flashes me his grin and his eyes light up because he knows he can get me to snuggle him for a few minutes. He has my eyes. They are the greenest green and full of joy and light. I love his adventurous soul. He is afraid of nothing. He knows that sometimes stealing toys from his brothers will land him being hit, but he does it anyways and braces for the moment. He doesn't care, he wants to be big like the other 2 and is fighting mighty hard to fill the shoes of an almost 2 year old.

I love how when it is time for bed that Kaden wants to tell me everything about his day and ask questions about the craziest topics I didn't know he even knew about. I love that he knows that everything great comes from Jesus Christ and he is not afraid to let you know that he knows. He is quite the little missionary at 3 1/2. His teacher at school tells me that he teachers her his church lessons during their one on one time. I love that he sometimes pushes the boundaries to see if he will be lassoed back in or if he will be allowed to fun wild and free for awhile.

I love Hyrum and enjoy how he knows if he picks a book that I like that we haven't read for awhile that he can suck me into reading for longer than I usually might. We have fun reading together and I love that I can "accidentally" read the wrong word and know that he is following along and will correct me. He is a smart boy and is always up for adventure and travel. He might want a movie to watch until he gets there and once we get there he might complain a little but but afterwards he talks about the memories he has made and the fun that he has had. If he is lucky enough to do something by himself he usually wants to be able to bring his brothers back with him. I also enjoy watching him grown up and realizing that girls are not so bad after all and that right now he would prefer to play with a friend who is a girl than a friend who is a boy because "she just is better!"

Being a Mother is not a gift that everyone on this Earth gets. It truly is a gift, it is real and I am thankful every day that I have these 3 crazy boys to call mine!

Quinten Update

2011-12-02T00:13:00.000-06:00

Today Quinten still wasn't acting like his usual self. He was laying all over me and not wanting to play even with his favorite toys. So I called the pediatrician's office and got him in. It turns out that the antibiotics were not working at all and he now has double ear infections, tonsillitis, and bronchitis. I am hoping that the new medicines they have him on work and that he gets feeling better sooner than later! Once again my friends all came to the rescue picking up kids from school for me. I am so glad that my sister Heather will be here the start of next week to help again. It is amazing how often I have needed an extra set of hands. You take for granted the extra help when it is around. Not anymore, now I realize it really does take a village to raise 3 boys!

'I Do' Means 'I Will,' Not 'I May'

2011-11-30T12:42:00.001-06:00

I am thankful that we came to this Earth with the gift of free agency and that no one forces us to make decisions other than ourselves. Even if someone does something to us, it is our choice how we react. I will be held accountable for my actions and you will be held accountable for yours. This blog is my written outlet for me to express my thoughts and feelings about what is going on in my life. I am grateful to live in a country where we have freedom of speech. If you do not like what I have to say, no one is forcing you to read it. Remember it is always your own choice!

My friend posted this on Facebook. It is so true. I am including it here.

'I Do' Means 'I Will,' Not 'I May'

By Iris Krasnow

Here's some advice from a midlife wife: If you're single and searching, don't be deterred by the quickie marriages of celebrities -- stars with perfect bodies and zillions of dollars -- who recite "I do" as if it's a line from one of their scripts. Many marriages do last a long time, like the ones that have endured up to 70 years in my book, The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes To Stay Married.

I have learned from my own 23-year marriage and the voices of these wives to liken the choice to get married to the choice to have children: It's a fundamental commitment to be present, to be patient, to be loyal, to be responsible. If you don't want to spend a lot of time and work raising a child, don't have one. If you don't want to work your hardest to nurture a marriage, through loving and loathing and boredom and economic upheaval, stay single. Because once you cross that threshold into parenthood or into matrimony, there should be no turning back.

"I do" doesn't mean "I may", it means "I will."

The difference, of course, is that once you bring a child into the world, even if you abandon your parental role, he or she is still your child. Once you say your wedding vows, that marriage, unfortunately, can still easily be disposed of -- within weeks.

Kim Kardashian, a smart woman who is inspiring as an entrepreneur, is dismal as a role model in how to conduct your life, as are many of her Hollywood pals who have no idea that "til death do us part" doesn't mean "'til something hotter comes along." Shopping for a husband is not like shopping for shoes. He is something that you keep.

After all, really, that's all that marriage is: It's a promise, and when we look back at our childhoods, isn't that one of the most important lessons our parents taught us? We were told to be kind, to play fair and to do what we say we are going to do. "Commitment" was one of the first big words I ever learned. Husbands and wives who accrue multiple spouses because they are craving younger partners and/or new sex, never get to reap the real rewards of sustained love, that is, a life that is richly layered with kids and grandchildren and shared experiences.

I am painfully aware that staying married isn't easy. Even spouses in the most solid marriages have stretches of despair and itches to bolt. A piece I wrote for Huffington Post Divorce, "The Fine Line Between Marriage And Divorce," is one of the most-viewed posts in Huffington Post history. In this article I reveal how the majority of the women I interviewed for my book often contemplate divorce, and I received dozens of letters from readers who expressed relief that they weren't alone.

Yet thinking about divorce is a lot different than hiring a divorce lawyer to figure out who gets what and child custody rules. Those of us who do remain on this side of the fine line know the straight truth about what lies on the other side. Divorced friends tell us that that often the grass is not greener once you cross-over, that even if a new lover offers the best sex ever, ending a marriage tears up hearts, especially when you have children.

Those of us who believe that marriage means forever carry on and push through the pain because we said we would on our wedding days. And unless a spouse is abusive or adulterous or an addict, most marriages can endure, and do endure, as evidenced by the women in The Secret Lives of Wives. They are rich and poor, black and white, Muslim, Jewish and Evangelical Christian. Yet they share a common and significant trait: They have managed to navigate the hurdles and stay married. They meant what they said on their wedding days, come hell or high-water

These longtime wives are bound to the promise that "I do" means "I will" as they nurse husbands with lung cancer, raise children with autism, survive adultery, the loss of breasts, the death of children, bankruptcy. They often pull out bridal pictures to remind them that a wedding is not about the big dress and the big crowd and the big gifts; it's about vowing to honor a commitment. If they can forge onward through serious crises, we certainly can push through piddly annoyances like boredom which is a common reason that women tell me they consider leaving marriages.

And so we make that choice every day, every fight, every disappointment, to keep our promise to be loyal and forgiving, to be a couple that lasts. We remember those words we exchanged, clutching each other's hands, in front of God and family and friends. A wedding is not a theatrical performance: it's the real thing, an adult decision that is supposed to determine the direction and integrity of the rest of our lives.

In the early years of my marriage, that grind of the ordinary that comes with living with the same person in the same house used to frighten me. Today, my marriage that is nearly a quarter-of-a-century old is soothing. The power of the ordinary and the predictability of family life is not something we want to throw away in a world of chaos and uncertainty.

Yes, I have come to love this aging marriage of mine. As the holiday season is upon us, I feel protected by, and deeply thankful for, the shield of an intact family. I am relieved to know I have a permanent boyfriend. It's a hell of a lot better than dating and having to Spanx every body part to impress a rotating stable of Mr. Wrongs.

Marriage means you get to soften at the belly. Marriage means you get to relax.

Iris Krasnow is a journalism professor at American University. Connect with her on www.iriskrasnow.com

Counseling

2011-11-29T21:22:00.002-06:00

I strongly believe in counseling. Some people say don't let anyone know you are going, they will be ashamed and embarrassed. You know what, I am not ashamed or embarrassed. Counseling has helped and is helping our family try to cope and understand the changes that are taking place within it.

Hyrum says his "special friend" is nice. She plays games with us like basketball and uno attack. My friend helps me change my mistakes. She helps me understand whats going on with my mom and dad through books too.

Kaden likes playing with the doll house, it's especially funny because it has a potty in it. He also doesn't like time out but is learning that when mom says time out she means business.

Quinten loves playing with the tractors. He likes to play games with us.

Paige likes counseling because it helps me realize where I have made mistakes and how I can be better and also the many strengths I do have.

There is nothing wrong with admitting we are not specialists in life and in all things that that we need help figuring out different changes in our lives. I am thankful for those people who specialize in family and marriage counseling because they are the ones who help me figure out how to make our family feel whole again.

Written by Paige & Hyrum

We couldn't agree on which picture to post so Hyrum picked the above one he says we have the meanest stares we know how. Paige's picture below is of the happiest smiles we know.

2011-11-28T22:02:00.000-06:00

After school was adventurous today. We were all playing at the school playground and Quinten slipped and bit threw his lip. My friend who was with me suggested that we ask our other neighbor who is a paramedic to check it out because we all know that I don't need another visit to the urgent care center. He checked it out and said that it could go either way but to err on the side of caution to take him in because it was gaping open wide. When I got there, it turns out that they don't do stitches inside the mouth because of the high risk of infection, but it turns out that Quinten's ears were clogged with wax and he has a major ear infection which they were only able to see once they cleaned out his ears. So much wax! His lip is swollen huge but he will survive and thanks to the medicine for the ear infection it should hopefully clear up the infection in his lungs as well and we should be on the road to recovery. I guess with it finally cooling off during the nights that it is time for all the kids to get flu shots. Last year we didn't do it and all the boys got the flu really bad.

Today I am grateful for friends who are willing to watch my kids at a moments notice while I have to go in to the urgent care center even though they themselves have just gotten home from the dentist when their own kid's teeth have been knocked out. I am grateful for all the times I have stepped up to help out others throughout the last few years because I can definitely see it being given back these days. It is very humbling to ask others for help when I am not able to do do it all myself.

I really Like This Song

2011-11-28T00:25:00.002-06:00

We're Home!

2011-11-27T23:26:00.003-06:00

Today I took the kids to my mom's ward at church. My brother sat in the side row behind me. I don't know what got into my kids. Hyrum was talking back and I had to take him out. Kaden was all over the place refusing to sit still and Quinten decided that throwing his cereal all over the place was a good idea at church too. It was the annual Thanksgiving sing along in her ward. The family in front of me who has in the past been really nice to me kept turning around and giving me the nastiest looks. Like HATE looks of why can't I control my kids?! I wanted to tell her off so bad. But I kept my cool to her as the tears streamed down my face - that made Hyrum shape up. He knows when Mom cries that I need more help. People have no clue what is going on that these otherwise pretty well behaved boys are struggling. It makes me want to wear a sign around my neck saying "Please be nice to me, I am going through a lot, my husband has filed for divorce and is already in a relationship with another woman. This is all new to me and I am still in shock!" Yet instead I suck it up and keep going because exploding at them will do no good. I don't want that sign around my neck anyways, I don't want to be the martyr, I want to be PAIGE. Life is too short to spend the time I have constantly being hurt, there is still so much to be happy for! I am at church for me, not them anyways.

Tonight after driving back from my moms house, before the boys and I read scriptures, Kaden asked to say the prayer. I asked him if he wanted help or if he wanted to say the prayers all by himself. He said I do it by myself. Then he said a real prayer right. Giving thanks, asking for things our family needs and closing the prayer all by himself. It was pretty incredible! He was walking around the living room with his eyes open the entire time, but I will take what I can get. He told me he has been practicing in his bed at night. I am thankful to have my kids through all of this to help me focus on the little things that are important every day.

Another fun thing happened this last week while at my mom's house. Quinten decided that he is done sleeping in a crib - he crawls out when you put him in and he crawls into a big bed and put himself to sleep. It is a good thing that he doesn't know how to open the door yet though! I know when he misses his dad because when he does he finds Kyle's old work glove and hauls it around. He enjoys sleeping with it on and covering his face. The kid cracks me up. Tonight when we got back Hyrum helped me convert his crib to a toddler bed.

Hyrum had a fun week with his cousins and seeing his friends in my mom's ward. I know he would have rather had a few play dates mixed in but I told him we can schedule them for Christmas time. He is adjusting better to not having Kyle be a constant in his daily schedule and I think is on the up and up. I am sure he will have more down days and questions, but so do I so that is normal. I am thankful for the LDS counselor that I was able to get him in to. She helps tremendously.

**Post Edit**
A few days ago I said I still was willing to try, well the willingness is gone. In light of my most recent Thanksgiving news, there is no more trying on my side. Also, I in no way want you to think I have been perfect in this marriage, in fact far from it, I am human. But I did not quit, I did not give up, I was still in it up until Thanksgiving. After that too much was revealed and I will forgive with time and move on. It's what I have to do!

Coming Together

2011-11-24T13:25:00.002-06:00

With today being Thanksgiving I figure I better let you all know some things that I am really truly grateful for.

First is my health. I have never been a morning person, in the past when I would wake up early many days in a row I would physically get sick. Well I have been getting up with Hyrum almost every single day since school started and granted I have been exhausted come 10 o'clock at night, but I have been able to get up with him and still function throughout the day and still I am surviving!

It helps that I have figured out how to get Kaden - the non-easy-to-put-to-bed kid to fall asleep most nights rather quickly. Primary music and sleeping with his big brother. These 2 both are head butters and steam rollers in the night. They don't sleep still and they both love to snuggle. My solution, have them sleep together! Hyrum's bed is big enough for the both, though I found out at my mom's house this week they like to share a twin bed as well. Most nights I have to put them down on their own but if they wake up they tend to help one another. That is a blessing! Hyrum used to get so upset with Kaden but now with Kyle leaving, Hyrum has stepped it up a lot. I thank his wonderful counselor for that! And night times are a little bit more peaceful and way less stressful around our house.

I am thankful for the gospel for how it helps me to be a better person and to not give up when things get so hard and help me to know how and when to forgive. I am thankful to have a Temple so close and be able to go inside to find peace and solace from everything going on in my life!

I am also thankful for my friends who allow me to talk and bounce my thoughts off them and help me realize that I am normal and not all the things that I have been told by someone who should love me unconditionally. Friends make the world a better place.

A funny thing, growing up my sisters and I used to beat the crap out of each other. We yelled and screamed and fought all the time. Since me having kids and my own parents getting divorced 3 1/2 years ago, we have pulled together more and are friends who talk a lot and like getting together even though we all live in different cities all over the states. I see the same things happening in my kids even from such a young age. I am grateful that cell phones were invented and that long distance phone calls do not cost per minute to make. I am grateful that I can call and text any time day or night and know that someone will get back to me shortly if they don't answer. Along with this goes the internet, being able to see the people that I talk to on skype of facetime makes talking even more fun.

There are so many things that bring me joy in life. I am thankful for a day to reflect about it all during this time in my life!

Thoughts on Divorce

2011-11-22T13:03:00.001-06:00

As I am going through this divorce process I have learned some very important things about people and what not to and what to say. Of most importance is:

NEVER state that you have never liked the person other party in a divorce - you never know if the other person is still in love with them even though you have been hurt you still believe in forgiveness. You know that the fight is not over and people can change and things can still work out if the other party is willing. If someone lets you know that they are ok, believe them! Strength comes from having a great support network around in prayers and going to the Temple. I did nothing wrong, I really might be doing ok! I have not given up! There are still so many wonderful things in my life that bring me JOY.

Do follow the promptings to call someone. A phone call is much more personal that a text message or email. Maybe that person just needs to hear a friendly voice. If they don't answer, don't think it doesn't mean they don't want to talk to you but instead they might be being a single parent or on the phone with their attorney or just trying to figure out how they are going to pay their bills for the month. It is a big adjustment to being married to being separated on the road to divorce.

Meals brought in are actually a good idea. Stress makes people not want to eat as much sometimes but they need that energy and just to know others are thinking about them. Even better if the friend wants to stay for dinner and is willing to share their own struggles and problems. My problems might be big, but they are not the end of the world, we talked about you when we would get together before, it's ok for me to hear about your life now too. Your problems are big for you, and I realize that. I like our friendships to go both ways.

When you know the kids are out on a weekend with their dad, it's ok to invite a person out to do something. Even if you think it's just to the store together, after years of having kids around all the time, the quietness sometimes leads to being depressed. Sad thoughts are normal to have through a time like this, but one does not need to dwell on those sad times, drowning in ones sorrows never gets anyone anywhere!

"Stick and stones can break my bones when aimed with angry hearts, and words can sting like anything, but silence kills the heart." If we were occasional talking friends before and you know this is going on, why ignore me now when I really need you? Am I poisoned now just because someone else has quit and given up on me? A true friend steps in when the rest of the world steps out.

I am sure there is more, but this is what stands out to me right now that I want to share. I am truly thankful for those who have kindly reached out to me through all this going on with Kyle and I. My kids notice and appreciate it too. We are moving on with life, we are still laughing each new day, we are still great people. I will get through this, I will be ok, and I am forever grateful to those whom have stepped up at a phone calls notice and taken the kids or given me a blessing or just called to say hi how are you doing. This is my new life, I will still be living it once the initial shock period wears off. I will endure to the end. I have to, I must, it's who I am and what I stand for. Thanks again for everything! The holidays are hard, but we will still enjoy them - alone - for that is what Kyle has chosen for all of us when he thought he was just choosing for himself.

A New Baby

2011-11-22T12:00:00.000-06:00

Yesterday Brittany and Garrett had their baby. Tatum Rilee Sinclair. Since we were driving into Houston and getting updates by text message, it was fun to share with the boys. Hyrum & Kaden especially love babies. Hyrum asked if he could get to go on a special date to see his new cousin. He decided that he needed to take a bath and put on clean clothes first. He was worried that she was so new and he didn't want to get her sick. He was even concerned that his shoes were dirty and needed to be cleaned first, but I told him they would be ok.

On the way to the hospital Hyrum reminded me that we had no gifts. I let him be the one to pick out presents for everyone. Rilee got pink pacifiers, Aunt Brittany got red licorice - a huge bag, and Uncle Garrett got Dr. Pepper and Reece's Pieces. Hyrum was excited to get to give Aunt Brittany everything. When we got there, we found out that Tatum was jaundiced so she wasn't in the room so Hyrum watched a little Ratatouille while I was visiting. During that time, the nurse came to check on Brittany. I took Hyrum out to the hallway. We were talking and I asked him if he had asked Uncle Garrett what it was like being a Dad for the first time. He said, "But Mom they already have a baby in Heaven, remember she had a miscarriage last year." I said yes but this is their first healthy baby to live to get to see born. Hyrum remembers the little details that other sometimes forget. It makes me love him all the more. We also talked about all our babies that are in Heaven waiting for us, he thinks it is so cool that when we get to Heaven our family will have way more kids.

Since Tatum was in the nursery under the lights after visiting with Garrett & Brittany we walked to the glass window to watch and I snuck a picture in before the nurses reminded me that there are no pictures through the glass. Hyrum and I stayed there at least 30 minutes just watching Tatum and enjoying the spirit that is in a newborn nursery. She had special glasses on to protect her eyes, yet Hyrum said that she could still feel him there and when he would blow kisses to her that she would wiggle her little finger and wave back. He really loved being around her even though it was through the glass. She seems to have a mellow personality and was calm laying under the lights. This morning Hyrum was asking to take a bath to go back to visit her at the window again so she wouldn't be all alone in there.

Here's the picture that we snuck through the nursery window.

Here's a picture from Niki's blog that shows Tatum's cute little face.

A Fresh Start

2011-11-19T23:08:00.002-06:00

I have transferred everything from my old blog away saving it for later and am starting over just as my life is once again starting over. I am opening up my blog to the public again and am going to allow whomever wants to to follow along.

Here is how my "new" life story is unfolding. November 3rd, 2011 after going back and forth in what he had told me for about 2 months, Kyle filed for divorce. He no longer wants to be married and wants to move on with his life. He has told me that he just isn't in love and has been unhappy for many years. It's ok to be shocked, I was/am too. However, I ask that you please not judge. Every person has faults and makes mistakes. None of us are perfect. When we die, we will be judged by a loving Heavenly Father on how we react and respond to trials that come into our lives. This is my current trial as well as blessing, because I have been able to realize what a strong person I truly am! Something else interesting about this is when a life altering event happens such as someone filing for divorce, you find out who your true friends are. People come out of the cracks and say kind things and let you know they are there for you or else they send nasty texts and phone messages and emails. By me sharing this I am in no way asking anyone to pick sides, I am just stating a fact that Kyle filed for divorce and the reasoning he gave me.

I am going to start documenting my life with Hyrum, Kaden, and Quinten apart from Kyle as we continue on our quest through life. I know that the boys and I will be ok and that we need to focus on and surround ourselves by people and things that bring us joy. If you are not that type of person, than for the moment we may choose to distance ourselves from you as we need to be reminded of our inner worth and purpose in life. Or if you are a strong person, we may choose to distance ourselves from you because we are focusing on ourselves and trying to be the best people that we can be. We can all do hard things and life isn't fair, but we are survivors and this is only but a stumbling block in our paths. I am very sad that Kyle has made this choice, but I cannot make him choose anything different. I am just responsible for myself. I am the only one whom can make myself happy!! As much as it is hard for me to wrap my head around all this "new" that is happening in my life I am grateful to be able to fall back on I KNOW without a doubt that the boys and I will be ok. How that will end up I am not sure, but I know that in trusting in the Lord that we will get through this. New goals and hopes and dreams are in the works and this detour has already opened up windows to the future and once this is all finalized I am praying that doors will open up too. This is hard, life is tough, but there are tons of people much worse off than I am and at least we have our health!

Here are some recent pictures of the boys as of late.

Hyrum getting ready for bike rodeo.

Tin Tin loving Halloween and all the fun things that come with it.

Hot! Fire!

Qubes loves swinging. Once we take Kaden bye bye to school, he wants to play out back and swing. He will want to stop for a short snack but then wants to go back out to swinging instead of taking a nap.

Kade Man and his pumpkin face.

He loves playing football a lot. I think it's mostly for the tacking part though, but I could be wrong.

Look Mom! Mud!

Hyrum loved scootering on the docks when we were to Vail this summer.